I’m currently living in the no-man’s land of transition time.  Since I have no permanent camp site I am working a series of part-time and temporary jobs.  One of which is trying to get work as an extra (i.e. background acting).

Yet in order to get work I have to call in, listen for a message that fits me, and then try to get ahold of the casting director to try and get booked.  (and I am never booked for the following categories: short, non-athletic, hot, sexy, plain, or arm candy . . . )

Although sometimes this feels like a stupendous waste of time, or worse yet a bizarre obsession for something of little material gain and no longer term potential . . . sometimes I find that the process of calling in can be meditative.

Three button pushes and all I have to ask myself is . . . is it ringing?

When my brain answers no, I quickly push the same three buttons and try again.  When I’m really fast these three button beeps sound like a triplet from a machine gun.  As I continue to try and connect I notice that my breathing slows, my mind empties and I am focused on listening for one thing — is it ringing?

There are all kinds of ways to practice meditation.  Formerly I would have thought of listening prayer, slowly reading bible verses, swimming, floating, hiking, yoga, or simply lying in the grass under the stars –but now LA’s given me a new one –calling in for work.  How bizzare!

For another meditative idea see Katie’s Blog.

Today I didn’t want to go to my regular church. I wanted something small, quiet, and meditative.  I wanted to sit in the back, worship God, and leave without drawing anyone’s attention.  After doing some research I decided to attend Bel Air Presbyterian’s evening service, 25 miles across town.  (Normally, this would be a crazy distance to drive for a church service.) 

But I drove to a place where I was ready to listen to whatever God might say, as I didn’t want to listen to him in Pasadena.  And I praise God because he had the sermon ready for me.  I was right where I needed to be.   The pastor spoke on what to do when you’re waiting.  (How Perfect! I had to try not to cry.)  Walking with God always sounds so simple and easy, and yet I find ways to make it so comlicated and burdensome. 

Although at times I feel weary and discouraged it was a good reminder to continue to walk (and rest) with Jesus.    

 

St. Patrick of Ireland

I have a new song to add to my “waiting” playlist.  This song describes some of my hopes about who I want God to be: a refuge, a sanctuary, a peacemaker, a redeemer of wasted people, years, and things.  I want to see him as a healer.  And while I easily lose patience with God’s timing, he continues to show himself as gracious, faithful and true. 

This is Our God

A refuge for the poor, a shelter from the storm
This is our God
He will wipe away your tears and return your wasted years
This is our God

This is our God
A father to the orphan, a healer to the broken
This is our God
And he brings peace to our madness and comfort in our sadness
This is our God

Oh… this is our God
this is the one we have waited for
Oh… this is our God

A fountain for the thirsty, a lover for the lonely
This is our God
He brings glory to the humble and crowns for the faithful
This is our God

You are the One we’ve been waiting for (3x)

You are our God.

Tin Man

 

So, as C.S. Lewis writes, our faith is not a matter of our hearing what Christ said long ago, and ‘trying to carry it out.’  Rather, ‘The real Son of God is at your side.  He is beginning to turn you into the same kind of thing as himself.  He is beginning, so to speak, to ‘inject’ his kind of life and thought, his life, into you; beginning to turn the tin soldier into a live (wo)man.  The part of you that does not like it is the part that is still tin.  

-Williard, The Divine Conspiracy, p. 20 

We were celebrating Sara’s birthday the other night when someone mentioned that another seminary has begun offering a masters degree for women in how to be a good wife.  (although I have yet to find proof online).  Our comments centered around how seminary might be too late for most women to find a husband, as we assume many eligible guys (and ladies) get married out of bible college or undergrad.  We joked around getting your MRS degree, and having a ring by spring. 

My reaction to all this is quited muted.  What can I say, the Chiristan sub-cultural push for marriage is not unfamiliar to me.   I remember meeting two seniors from Williston, the nunnery dorm on campus, who having lived in the same room as a freshman, were telling me to hold out on dating .  I remember the phenomenon of spring at Wheaton, and how love seemed to bloom at the same time as the tulips.  I remember people joking about who you’d meet at orientation as a freshman, and some of those same people getting engaged to that person later on that year.  I don’t think it’s worthwhile to demean women who feel they’re serving the Lord by being a good wife, having children, and raising them with good values. 

Yet I wanted to find the origin of a ring by spring.  The first google entry to pop up for a ring by spring is this article from Brio. How perfect! 

http://www.briomag.com/briomagazine/briobeyond/a0004487.html

It’s so funny to remember discussions in college of whether we were called to receive the “gift” of singleness.  (as it never was presented as a gift you’d actually want –like getting pink ballerina footie pajamas as a Christmas gift when you’re 30).

Anyways, It’s been nice that at Wheaton and Fuller there are a number of amazing, independent, kind female students and professors who are single, and content.

And it’s a funny juxtaposition to Beyonce’s ubiquitous “all the single ladies” video.

If it isn’t already obvious patience is not one of my virtues.  I find it easy to get worked up about not having enough to do.  Of feeling like I need to fill each day with enough information, exercise, activity, entertainment, etc. to somehow redeem the hours.  Often the last thing I want to do is sit quietly and meditate on scripture.   But just like a child who needs to go to bed, even though they’re “not tired” –I need to read and meditate upon scripture.  Even so, it’s awfully easy to see it as a repulsive giant academic exercise or to speed read it, trying to meet some kind of spiritual quota. 

but when I am reminded to focus i’m surprised by how good the bible can actually be.

The other night I was reading in Hebrews, “so do not throw away your confidence; it will be richly rewarded.  You need to persevere so that when you have done the will of God, you will receive what he has promised.”  This passage flows into Chapter 11 -the story of God creating out of nothing, of God rewarding people for their faithfulness to his sometimes bizarre and improbable tasks.  Abraham did not know where he was going.  He lived as a stranger and foreigner in temporary lodging. 

Many people waited years for the fulfillment of God’s promises.  Many only saw the final fulfillment from a distance or not at all.  And yet these “heroes” of the faith are being commended for their faith.  God says he is not ashamed to be their God, and he has prepared a city for them.  I find comfort in being in the same boat as Abraham and Noah.  Of wanting to serve God, of trying to walk in faith, but left awaiting the fulfillment of God’s promise. 

Last night during prayer, we read a reflection of Jesus’ presentation in the temple as an infant (Luke 2:21-40).  Simeon had waited his whole life to see “God’s Christ”, the consolation of the people of Israel.  And led by the spirit he went into the temple courts and saw Jesus.  At that moment his season of advent, of anticipation and waiting was over. 

I feel grounded when I remember that many people have waited, seen the fulfillment of God’s word, and praised God.  Hopefully I can continue to float in the faithfulness of others while I await the completion of my own season of advent.  Hebrews reminds me to, “Consider (Jesus) who endured such opposition from sinful men so that you will not grow weary and lose heart”.

I am still waiting.  I have felt more contentment, peace and joy since going on InnerCHANGE’s orientation a couple weeks ago.  I have applied to their London team, and am waiting to hear back.  While I hope that this will work out, I’m trying to trust that God will continue to keep me in the right place at the right time. 

Even so, I find it hard to have enough meaningful things to do, and to make time to be with God.  I was reminded this morning of the futility of laboring in vain.  If the Lord doesn’t build the foundations, the labors labor in vain.  This is the constant threat for me, to put my identity, purpose and efforts into a chasing after the wind. 

Thankfully, once I stop and ask God to be my foundation it’s not long before the Holy Spirit overwhelms me with songs/psalms:

I will extol the Lord at all times, his praise will continually be in my mouth  . . . (Psalm 34).

 God is our refuge and strength, and ever present help in times of need  . . . (Psalm 46).

Praise the Lord!

(and this is a great change from the stupid Karoake songs that had been on repeat since Sunday.)

It is hard for me to trust.

It’s hard for me to trust that God is providing for me in this season of life.  I keep waiting for the other shoe to fall, for the evidence to point out that I’m failing to make it here.  I keep waiting for things to get ugly, so I can do what I know how to do –fight, hang-on, and survive. 

But the evidence points out that I am making it.  I don’t know how.  Well, I do. (through help from God, employers, family and friends.) But it’s a surprise to me how well things are working out.  I don’t have a ton, but I have just enough to cover whatever I need to cover.  And it’s forcing me to walk by faith.  I still haven’t learned how to master the beast, i.e. my own lordship over my lfie.  But depending on God to provide for me is incrementally helping me learn how to be content whatever the situation. 

It’s amazing to see God’s faithfulness to Jen and Kristin.  And while it gets me excited, I still don’t really trust that God’s got something as equally good for me.  (but I really hope so!)

I seem to have some extra time on my hands lately.  It’s been interesting to try to decide how to fill it (Gilmore Girls season 2, Calvin and Hobbes, Marva Dawn, the New Monastics . . .)   

I can do things with or for myself: biking, swimming, walking, hiking . . . which takes the least amount of coordination, but which can make my world feel very small.  (and my problems very large)

i can spend time with God -praying, reading, resting, asking/arguing, surrendering . . .

But today I realized as I was rushing to finish the items in my planner, and ignoring the people involved with those items, that my time can be a gift to others.  I have space, energy and time to give.  Why not consider living with generosity, trusting that as I help others with their needs, that God will help me with mine. 

that sounds really nice.

I woke up this morning with “I love you more today than yesterday” playing in my head.  And I knew it was going to be a good day today!  How can you not smile along to 70’s cheese?!  In pondering the meaning of why this particular love ditty was stuck in my head I think it could be beacuse Obama easily won the election yesterday, after the two previously awful, disheartening, make-you-want-to-move-to-Canada and throw-up elections (on a side note by being Minnesotan and Californian I can see Canada and Mexico from my house). It’s such a nice change not to stay up all night waiting to see what drama will unfold.  It is such a nice change not to go to work and comiserate with colleagues about what this will mean for housing and homelessness policy.  There is no dark cloud of doom hanging over my head.   I’m proud to be an American today, and happy that so many other states and people agree.  Just to clarify I do not think that Obama is the savior, nor can he singlehandedly fix our country.  I agree with Obama that we all need to take responsibility to reach out to our neighbors, to improve our communities, and to committ to service.  I hope that our country is able to bridge many of the chasms that were built during this election.  But today I’m celebrating!  All I can say is play it again DJ, this time with feeling!